Today I got the news that one more person in my FTD support group had lost their spouse. It happened at 3am this morning. He was 58.
2 other members have their loved ones on Hospice care, preparing for the end.
I normally like to try and keep my posts upbeat, amusing and a little cynical. But today I cannot muster any of those qualities.
Yesterday would have been my husbands 59th birthday.
Had he been here.
Which he isn’t.
The old anger has erupted at today’s news. I am usually resolute. “It is what it is” But today for some reason I wept again like I have not done for a few weeks now.
My friend in the group has kept her chin up so well – organizing fundraisers, staying positive. She will be devastated today as was I a little over a year ago. It cannot be explained. It cannot be empathized with.
Because only you know how much it hurts YOU.
The pragmatism with which you have handled so much over the past couple of years deserts you. The long goodbye is suddenly over. The long desolation begins.
The frustration, the confusion, the incredulity takes over.
The love remains of course but is now unrequited. It may have felt that way for a while but you still retained a glimmer of hope that it was still there, hidden by the bastard disease.
R.I.P Doug. Your struggle is over. Cheryl’s is just beginning – again. A new struggle for identity, purpose and direction.
The bastard disease lives on long after it’s stolen away your life.
But it can never take your love